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Stay at home parenting is rated R... Life, liberty and the pursuit of trivia from a coffee swilling, cheesecake craving, quasi-crazed stay at home mom with a bad attitude and a sense of humor... a very dark sense of humor. I'll never get a parenting award because Donna Reed, Claire Huxtable and Carol Brady all want me dead. I don't care. I could take those b's any day of the week. Home of LMFAO Friday!
So, I'm over here with nothing to write about *AGAIN* because I suck when it's more than 140 characters at a time. Which is obvious, because The Bloggess has been over here a bit, which I found out on my Blog Frog widget, but she's never left a comment cause I'm totally a peasant and she's a blogging goddess. But then she has this other site were she dedicates the writings to causes and has a bunch of writers, called Bloggess Army (the naming is a whole other story, just go there and read up, you'll see) and I was so awesome on Twitter last week that I was invited to submit articles from time to time. And I totally jumped at it, cause OMG, SERIOUSLY?!?!? And THE BLOGGESS herself, sent out a tweet that welcomed me and two other writers and I totally don't know how to work screengrab, so I think I downloaded something, but don't know were it went, so you're just going to have to go over to my twitter page and view my favorites to see all the awesomeness and know that I'm not making this up. Anyway, Bloggess gives me the twitter shout out and then... I went B L A N K The chalkboard got erased and washed down like the janitor does like once per semester so that you actually can't see the writing that had been there before. So then I'm all, well thank God that I do LMFAO Friday, because I can do captions to pictures. And I have hubby to piss me off if I need other blogging material for this site, cause, well, honestly, that's the whole point of having a husband. But a real post for a real site with other people reading and writing and I should totally be able to do this because I've done guest posts before, but that was for someone that I had an open dialogue with. I don't have one of those with the Bloggess, I just have a massive blog crush and honestly, she's never even acknowledged me before. So, here I am all excited to write for the Bloggess Army site and I have lost my writing abilities. Because my life tends to suck like that. I need to go get an 'L' tattooed on my forehead, seriously. Because since this weekend, I've been out to get me. Really. First I wind up in the hospital Friday night cause the pain I've had in my chest had finally gone up into my jaw, and I was pretty sure it wasn't a heart attack, but if I didn't go check it out and then I'd died, I'd be beyond tattooed 'L', I'd be like erect a monument to my looserness. Turns out it wasn't a heart attack. Knew it, but needed confirmation, cause I'm needy like that. Then my hip finally went back into socket and I got the dishes done, but then I got an itchy rash on my hands ~ and feet last night so I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with doing dishes, but it did make me take butt-loads of Benadryl because that's what I do when I itch like that, but it knocks me out so that I wind up not posting till after 6pm on Monday. Because you don't wake up till like 4:30 in the afternoon which is why Benadryl and parenting don't mix. Neither does Benadryl and blogging, which is kind of why this post blows big chunks. Even though my husband told me in Walmart the other night that he could smell bullets. I couldn't make that up people. He smelled bullets. Which should be a post all on it's own, but I've got the IQ of a turnip right now. Coffee isn't helping. And the itching is coming back. Maybe some of the 6 vials of blood they took on Friday would tell me why I keep getting these itching fits, but since I left without getting the results I still don't know what it is. Yes, y'all I left. It was midnight on a Friday. They would not have gotten any results until possibly the morning, probably Tuesday morning since Monday was Columbus Day. The EKG was fine my blood pressure isn't even high. And they left me sitting in the little curtain area for over an hour without even checking on me because their Subway sandwiches were delivered. It was so NOT a Grey's Anatomy scene. Obviously, they weren't too worried about my condition, so I chose to go home and be in pain on my own couch instead of their uncomfortable gurney-bed. They wouldn't have told me anything else except to see my own doctor asap and he'd get the results from all my work-ups... maybe. How much ya wanna bet that bill is going to be like a thousand dollars. How much ya wanna bet they charge me for oxygen cause they put those stupid little thingeys into my nose and flicked a switch. Those little thingeys are a pain in the ass, btw. and the oxygen dries out your nostrils so that you wind up feeling like you've got a sinus infection even though you didn't go in there with one. The other thing those people do, is weigh you. Yeah, I know it's for meds dosages. Whatever. I was already feeling bad enough to be there I sure as hell didn't want to know how much I weighed. So what if I asked. I don't own a scale on purpose. Did I mention that they look at you all crazy when you weigh a certain amount? Like we don't know we're whales, we need the condescending looks to get the point across. This is why y'all have only seen the one profile pic, cause it's the only recent~ish one without more than one chin. I started my diet Saturday. Probably another reason that I'm rambling... I'm malnourished. The itchiness could be hives from being noticed by Jenny, though. I'm totally going with that. I'm going to call them Bloggess Bumps. Maybe if she pours Bloggess water on my head, I'll be healed and the Bloggess Bumps will stop. I know. I'm going to hell.
Happy Friday, sweetie darlings... OK, so I've totally been watching old AbFab on Hulu even if they only have one full episode, so I have to save up and buy the whole collection cause I'm missing those drunken British fashionistas. They were the original, ya know before it was called being a fashionista. Anyway, let's get this going so I can go back to searching for other places to watch AbFab and possibly get more of a 'fix'. If you love AbFab and want to order some for your very own, click here (for individual seasons go to Aria'z Store under Aria'z TV). I'll refrain from going into any episode detail and simply say, Happy LMFAO! Hope your weekend is Absolutely Fabulous!!!
see more Epic Fails Do you think the conversation went like this; "Fred, I'm not going anywhere with you till you get a more comfortable passenger seat on your bike." see more Epic Fails It's all the rage in... ummm, Amsterdam. Yeah, cause both pot and prostitution are legal there. see more Epic Fails I've been out here waiting for like half an hour and I'm not getting any gas... aka "one more reason to not talk on cell phones at the pumps" see more Epic Fails A lot of the time, English majors don't count math among their strong suits. see more Epic Fails She wanted the AC fixed before I handed over the car, so ... see more Epic Fails I'll say it again, it should be mandatory for health care workers to get flu shots. see more Epic Fails Oh sweetie, let me let you in on a little 'secret' about your son... see more Epic Fails That's redneck sexy right there! see more Epic Fails Yes, hello. Tip hotline? I saw both of those suspects at the bank last week. see more Epic Fails The torture chamber suitable for wheelchair users is down the hall. see more Epic Fails Sid finally understood the super-low price on the house. or Don't drink and remodel. see more Epic Fails I'm going to refrain here, because with that Texas license plate and the oversize, extended tires on the rear to go along with ALL those exhaust pipes, I could really get in trouble with the politically correct wetback crowd. see more Epic Fails Oh, damn, New York totally stole that Statue of Liberty idea from Miami and ran with it! see more Epic Fails What. The. Hell. Did the Stay Puft marshmallow man get blown up in this neighborhood too? see more Epic Fails Oh my God. I'm from the same state as a cow-rapist-cop. No amount of pork roll is gonna help this dubious distinction. see more Epic Fails My dream home. It's country-ghetto-fabulous!
The Buddy Christ totally cracks me up! I know, I need help... and possibly very strong medication. "...but look at it. Doesn't it... POP?" OH MAAAN! If they had this when I was there, I'd own it... then I could pose it around the house for when I really need to chill the hell out cause I'm going to wind up in jail or a hospital clenching my chest and explaining why I took viagra hubby is being a butthead! Ohhh or, like if we go to bed angry, I could position it on my pillow so that it stares and points right at the hubs when he wakes up, which, let's face it, would freak out anyone that isn't already a freak. Like me, I'd laugh my ass off and have to jump up and run to the bathroom to keep from wetting the bed. I admit it. I'm such an idiot! LOL Yes, I've seen this in person. It totally pays to know your way around Jersey... and since I'm an equal opportunity offender... Schmuley. *UPDATED* You too can own the Buddy Christ action figure as shown above... Goto Aria'z Store, it's listed under Miscellaneous!(or just go here) or Schmoo-ley. Schmoo-ley concept by my equally twisted sister, thanks Kar!
So, Hubby needs to die a painful screaming writhing twitching death at the hands of an over-amped taser. The man has OH-SO-FOOLISH-ly come between me and my pork roll. For those of you who aren't New Jersey natives, nor have ever had the pleasure of passing through and stopping at a NJ diner, let me inform you, so you don't make the same mistake as my soon to be dead husband. Never Never Never EVER come between a displaced Jersian and their pork roll. While those of you who have never tasted it's tangy, salty, makes bacon seem like a total waste of time round grilled goodness... let me just say; we do that on purpose. To save the rest of you from yourselves. There's just enough salami-sized canvass wrapped scrumptiousness for those of us who grew up teething on slices with the omnipresent red box in the fridge and those non natives who showed up in person and weren't dissuaded by the name to try it. It is oral sex straight from the store, if during oral sex your mouth was the one having all the fun. We eat it with eggs and cheese on hard rolls for breakfast. Oh, and not whatever kind of hamburger-bun-sized roll, no. A REAL honest to god, sesame seed covered top Hard Roll, thank you very much. We will have the same sandwich without the eggs for lunch... and then for dinner we'll go have Italian food, cause we can't all live on nitrates alone, well, unless we're single and broke, then it's another pork roll sandwich for dinner. I've even had pork roll on pizza, so it is possible to combine the awesomeness of Jersey Italian food with pork roll and you don't have to cook or even leave the house. The rest of America has tried to duplicate this by putting canadian bacon on pizza... People. Puh-leez. Canadian bacon is to pork roll what Canada is to New Jersey. They both get cold and have a whole lot of diversity, but Canadians are all well mannered and polite and will wait for you to say, "Oh hey, I didn't see you there." and then you move over and allow them to pass; where as New Jersians will honk once in our attempt at politeness before we will run your ass down if you don't get the hell out of the way. It's nothing personal. We simply don't have time to wait on you. We're busy people with lots to do and see and we have zip and snap and we don't just hang around waiting for you to notice us. Pork roll is the same way. It's not sweet. It's tangy. It's not mild. It's bold. And, just like most New Jersians outside of New Jersey, it is totally misunderstood upon first meeting it. Kind of like landing in Newark for your first visit, and then going to see the rest of the state in all it's Autumnal beauty. You wouldn't expect upon landing to like the place so much. And yet, it can become one of your favorite places for so many reasons. So too with non-Jersians and pork roll. First you say, "Sounds gross, but I'll try anything once." and then some Jersian serves you up a sandwich with that knowing smile as you take your first bite and are addicted. Not like KFC or heroin addicted, because you can get that generic gotta-have-it-now stuff anywhere. No, you leave the state and more than 1 hour past the NJ borders, and you CAN NOT GET PORK ROLL ANYWHERE... unless you have an internet connection and a credit card. Which brings me to my husband's untimely but fully deserved death... He denied me internet ordering pork roll because HE has never had pork roll and simply doesn't understand the lengths a Dying-of-Swine-Flu-majorly-hormonal-woman will go to in order to get said pork roll after already being denied decent aka Jersey-esque: Italian food, Polly-O cheeses, hot pretzels, in the casing hot dogs Tandy Kakes, real salt water taffy and not-from-Domino's-or-Pizza-Hut pizza delivery. I have reached my breaking point. I have now become pork roll denied lethal. Somebody better warn this man how serious I am. Or else, y'all just need to dry clean your black suits and dresses. Fair warning. 'nuff said.
OK, Sue at Happy Meals and Happy Hour had this up last weekend, but OMG!!! If I had been anything other than an almost-albino-woman, I'd swear this was ME upon arriving in Texas! LMFAO Friday indeed!!!
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